Underworld: The finalumumwhatever!
by SeleneRanma
Summary: Kraven is the most stupid being on earth. if you dont agree, don t read. So, how does he deal with this, his truth? By dealing, I guess, but still, read! and find out... Plus, extra randomness in the last... eight chapters!
1. Chapter The First

Sooo...First Fic

Disclaimer: I Dont Own Underworld! Plain Enough?

So, lets start!

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Selene enters the room...God! shes got one hell of a temper!

WHERE IS HE?

Wheres whom?

Kraven replys taking his wierd look off the news paper ( he didnt understand a word! Of course maybe it would help if he held the paper the right-side-up!)

Oh, and I belive the right term would be "Where is him"

Oh! So now your the intellectual one!

Well I like to think as myself as a very in...OW!

Selene interupts him by taking him by the neck

Stop blabering! Where is he!

WHO?

You know who! Dont play the idiot with me..Oh, forget it, You ARE an idiot.

Seriously! I dont know who the he...

Selene strengthtensher grip on his throat.

You know damn well who I´m talking bau..

Hey! Whats all the shouting abuot?

Michael comes in the room in a towel and with his hair wet

Wha...Where the hell were you?

I was taking a shower! ( pussy! Not that I dont take showers, but he´s a Warewolf, for God´s sake!)

Then...So...Wha...?...Forgett it.

Selene lets Kraven, who is now on his knees, go and walks out of the room in a "Nothing happened" fashion

What was that all about?

Michael asks drying his hair with a towel, while Kraven glares at him

NEXT TIME YOU TAKE A SHOWER TELL YOU GIRLFRIEND WOULD YA!

Kraven hits Michael in tha stomach

OW! What the hell was that for?

Suddenly, Selene pokes her head through the door

What did you do to him , Kraven!

He hit me! ( once again...Pussy!)

Selene walks up to Kraven and knees him in tha balls

ouuuuuuu...

Kraven falls silently on tha ground, while Selene and Michael walk out of the room. Michael is showing his toung while Kraven Glares at him.

Mommas boy!

What did you say!

Nothing! Nothing!

Good!

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A/N Sory! short chapeter...First Fanfic! Deal With it, anyway, Im tough , but not that much! so NOLAMING R&R!

Bye ppl!

Oh yeah, and REVIEW! it means a lot to me sience it is my firs fic! soo...please! ...wait a sec, this isnt good for my image soo... lets replace that for " REVIEW OR SUFFER THE CONSECUENCES!" yeah, I like that!

Anyway, Later Days!


	2. Chapter The Second

Hello again!

So, now, my disclaimer: I DO NOT, REPETE, DO NOT OWN ANY UNDERWORLD STUFF! well at least nothing but the movie!

Now, on with the fic!

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Evrybody´s at the movies, Selene with Michael, Sonja and Lucian, Erika and Marcus, Kraven and Viktor, who actually didnt come together, but got stuck together because of the whole "couples syndrome".

Why do couples always buy two tikets!

Kraven exclaimed while they were waiting for the movie to begin.

They almost allways use only one seat!

Viktor shrugged, his eyes jelously placed on sonja and Lucian ( whoe were french kissing, by the way, Viktor didn´t like that)

The movie started, but Kraven didn´t pay much atention to it. He was tiered of being the "left over". In a mad fit of rage he stood up and started shouting

Im tiered! Im going to kill myself!

He took out a gun from his poket and pointed at his head. The three couples and Viktor looked over at him while Selene let out a sigh of joy and Lucian smiled.

I´m really gonna do this, you know?

He kept on shouting. A man shouted

Hey were trying to watch a movie here!

Oh, sorry...

Kraven sat down again fingering the gun.

A while later all of them were out of the movie theater, all of them chattering about the corny love flik they had just seen.

Hey, Kraven, weren´t you going to kill yourself?

Selene reminded him.

Oh! yeah right.

Kraven got his gun out and started shouting again.

You don´t care for me! You´re just a bunch of heartless jerks!

Hey, where did you get that gun anyway?

Erika asked, like it was just a common question people asked evry day when they walked down the street.

I got it from Selene´s drawer.

Selene glared, but then she realized something and smirked.

Well, anyway, here it goes! Goodbye mean world! You won´t miss me!

He shot to bullets into his brain


	3. Chapter The Third

Sorry for the cliffhanger in the last chapter, forgott I had not finished it yet, soooo... Ah Yes! Kraven shot two bullets into his brain...

Kraven started a very,very, very, very long dead scene, complete with an "Alien" scene, and a "Romeo and Julliet" re-enactment. Finally, he finished, and fell to the floor.

-Finally!

Michael mumbled

-Can we go hom,e now?

Selene only smirked, and kiked Kraven.

-Wake up you fucking idiot!

-Why the hell aren´t I dead!

Evryone started laughing

-Because...

Selene responded.

-you just shot two harmless, atleast for vampires, silver bullets into your head.

-Sooooo...will that stuff float in my brain forever! Aaaa! Its gonna make me dumb or something!

- Don´t think you can be dumber than that!

This last remark was made by Michael, who´s throat, a few seconds later was in Kravens grasp.

-Help me! Hlep me! He´s gonna strangle me! ( A Pussy! )

Selene quikly went to the rescue, and a few minutes later, evryone was laughing their butts off inside Selene's car. Evryone except Kraven, that is, who was locked up in the trunk.

A month or so later, Kraven made Selene, Michael, Sonja, Lucian, Erika and Marcus go with him to the movies. ( he had managed to get someone, that for a good amount of money, had chained Viktor to a chair so that he wouldn´t follow them to tha movies to keep an aye on sonja)

When they got to the cinemaKraven got a Black colored rose out of fis jaket and looked inpaciebtlly at the popcorn stand. The only perosn there was a redhaired girl, who looked like a porcelain doll.

-Who the hell are you wainting for?

Lucian asked

- I met this vampire on a date site on the internet, we decided to meet here, but she hasn´tr arrived yet.

-Or maybe she arrived, saw you, and fled in terror!

Marcus riduculled, while Ertika gave a school-girl type laugh, and evryone rolled theyr eyes at the otherwise funny remark.

-Or maybe he saw you and realized you were a boy!

Sonja smirked.

The girl from the popcorn stand walked toward them. They all looked at her, she semed vaguely familiar...Maybe a movie...

-Excuse me, sir.  
She asked Kraven.She Had a french accent, and her eyes made her look much older, than the 6, 8 years she must´ve had.

-Yeah?

-Surely you aren´t Kraven?

Evryone looked and laughed. Kreven´s face became red.

- Oo mon diou!

The girl exclaimed.

- You se Kraven, you can only seduce little girls! Ha!

Lucian, who must have been laughing harder than anyone sayd.

- Well, I´m not a little girl, I´m over 150 years old!

-What´s your name then, oh grate old one?

Selene asked.

-My name is Claudia... Claudia Pont du Lac... Or Lioncourt, whatever.

Its truck them, She was the girl from Interview with the Vampire. 


	4. Chapter The Fourth

Hello again people! Thankyou for the sole review I fonud, much to my delight. I thought only my friend Ayla would review, and I take this chance to say hello, so... HELLO!  
And so, any ideas, review, and we´ll see.  
On with the story!Sorry for taking so long, but I went on vacations...soooo...

On!

Disclaimer: I do not, repeat DO NOT, own Underworld, or any characters from Underworld and I DO NOT! own Louis, Lestat( ) his name makes me happy...3 2 1 O.K. , not happy again) or Claudia, or any other Vampire Chronicle character that may appear in this fanfiction! so please don´t sew me Anne!  
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A tall blonde man enters the movie theatre and looks at Claudia, then at Kraven, Then at Selene ( Michael glared at him coldly... but ended up looking as if he had to go to the bathroom)

Tall blond man: "Is this Him´?"

Claudia: "Yes, Lestat... sigh go on..."

Lestat takes Kraven by the troat and throws him on the floor. He starts kiking him (like on the movie Mr. And Mrs. Smith when Mr. throws Mrs. Behind the couch and starts kikign her... I DO NOT own the movie or any of its characters! don´t sew me)  
After a while he stoped and evryone else was dying of laughter (cliché...).

Selene: Can I try that?

Lestat: Yeah, Mon cherie, of course!

Michael grlares al Lestat but didn´t (pussy) dare (pussy) go (pussy!)near (pussy!) him (fucking pussy!).Selene starts kicking Kraven just like Lestat.  
After a while she stops.

Selene: "That was fun.."

Lestat and Selene look at each other and start kicking the crap out of Kraven for a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong while. ( can a while be long?)

Lestat: Better be going now.. Au revoir..

Just as Lestat was walking out of the movie theatre with Claudia to join the other figure behind the glass he lookes back at Selene and moves his lips to form an un-audible Call me´.  
Micheal grows redder with anger , and just as Lestat goes out the door he grabbes Selene by the waste and starts murmuring in her ear.

Michael: Don´t you dare go near that Fucking mama´s boy ever again!

Selene hits him in the jkaw and starts waliking hastly towards the others while Michael lay helpless on the floor ( and once again...Fucking pussy!)

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Evryone walked out of the movie theater, they didnt bother to see the movie, the little show Kraven had given them was enough. They walked to the car and, as usuall of movie nights, evryone recuested to be left off at their favorite quiet place, while Selene and Michael(Who had gotten into a Making up make out sesion during most, or all the movie ) got stuck with taking Kraven back to the manssion.

Kraven: Awkward...Can I drive!

Selene: NO!

The beggan to pull up in the manssion.

Selene: This car is to--- Fucking Shit!

Something had fallen out of the sky... it seemed to be a chair...

Michael: What the fuck... Viktor?

The chair jumped off the front of the car and landed besides the driver´s window.

Viktor ( who is tied to the chair): Where´s Sonja!

Selene: What the fuck happ--

Viktor: WHERE IS SONJA!

Michael: At the park with Lucian!

Viktor: Fuking Lycan! ( starts making the chair jump towrds the exit, or should I say towards the park)

Viktor:( stops midway) Selene, your gun.

Selene: (Takes out her gun and hands it to Viktor)

Viktor: Excellent! MUajajaajajajajaja! MUAJAJAJAJAJAJA! ( jumps away into the night still tied to the chair)

Kraven: Wierd...(jumps out of the car) Who´s up for popcorn and Who´s Line? ( I DO NOT own Who´s Line is it Anyway! Or Drew Cary, or any other character...or person or whatever!)

Selene steps on the accelerator just before Michael gets out of the car.

Michael: ( sits down with a dissapointed look on his face )

Selene: ( pulls in at the first parking space she sees and starts making out with michael )

Michael: )

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Hopped you like! please review, or I fear I won´t keep on...

Any way, I allso want to declare, I Do NOT coppy my stuff, ask Ayla!

Well G-Bye ppl! REVIEW, or I´ll vrink all ov yur vlood! MUAJAJAJAJA! I´m not from transilvanbia I´m vrom Pensilvania you idiot! ( I DO OWN THE LAST SENTENCE! SO NO COPYING!) 


	5. Chapter the Fifth

Here I am again, writting after people tell me that evrybody likes the idea of Kraven in the trunk so evrybody writes it! From now on, Kraven´s gonna ride, or better sayed dragged from the back of the car!

Kraven: Hey!  
Ranma( that´s me you ignorants!): Fuck you!

Kraven: she´s mad, you know?

Ranma: Anyways, he´s gonna be dragged from the trunk. Sooo... Let´s go on

Disclaimer: I do not own anything eccept for my Garbage concert shirt, a leather jaket and a pair of black pants for which I traded my soul, oh yeah, and the last phrase of chapter four.

P.s. here comes the mos random chapter ever, so be prepared... God its good to be writting again!  
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Kraven was stuck all alone in the mansion. It allways felt gloomy when no one was around... Wait a second! Who´s Line is on!  
Kraven ran to the giant screen and was glued to it for the next five hours or so...

-Next Morning, evrything was normal in the mansion, when suddenly...

Selene: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
SONJA:AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
Erika: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Four men poke their heads into different bathrooms at the same time...

Michael: What? What!  
LUCIAN: WHAT? WHAT!  
MARCUS: WHAT? WHAT!

KRAVEN: gigle hullo selene!gigle

two loud voices exclaimed:

sonja: The water´S cold!  
Erike: The water´s cold!

And one gunshot was heard...

Selene: Get the fuck out of here Kraven!

The four brave men met in the hall and Marcus decided that Lucian, Michael and Keaven should go to the basement and turn on the wter heater.

Lucian, grabbed hold of a flashlight and bravely proposed himself to go first.  
Ando so the other men followed into the dephts of dum dum duuum! THE BASEMEEENT!

Lucian and Michael: SHUT UP!

Kraven: Whaaaat! I just wanted to make this funner!

Michael: Just dont sing the FUN song, pleeeaaaseeee!

Kraven: Awww Shuks!

Lucian: O.k... Here it is!

Kraven: The mistic water boiler!

Michael and Lucian: Shut UP!

Lucian: So who´s gonna be the one that gets on his knees and lights it again?

Kraven: Not me! you treat me badly enough to make me go on my knees before the all mighty water boiler!

Michael: Not me!I´m... I´m...Alergic to... to...basement...floors?

Minutes later michael was on his knees trying to turn on the boiler.

Michael: Fuck this! this isn´t working!

Lucian: O.k. Lemme see...

Lucian kneeled before the boiler besides Michael and tried to strike the match.

Lucian: You´re right, this isn´t working.

Kraven: Hey! He isn´t right! He´s Stupid Michael!

Michael: Har, Har!

Kraven: Lemme try my lighter...

Kraven kneeled besides Lucian and turned on the lighter...

Evryone heard the loud BANG and tran to the basement door(the girls in towels obviously!)

The three men wnt up the stairs and evrypne stared in horror...Well no not actually, Lucian and Michael Were o.k., the had used Kraven as a shield...

Kraven fell on the floor.

Erika: My god kraven! You don´t have eye brows!  
Kraven: Mufled curse

There was a loud knock on the door and Michael huried to answer. There were thousands of pigmeys on the porch!

Pigmey leader: We hear loud bang, like Krakatoa! We look for mountine king!

All the pigmeys scrambled into the mansion, and when the leader saw kraven he shouted something wierd and fell to his knees.

Pigmey Leader: Our Lord, the NoEyebrowed King of the mountine!

All the pigmeys fell to their knees and started chanting.

Selene: whispering to sonja Probably gonna throw him into a volcanoe... Sonja: I wanna see! 


	6. Chapter the Sixth

Hem Hem! Hello... I've walked this place before! Soo, After about… let's see… One two three… what come after three? Well A Gazillion llilion thousand and one trillion months without writing, I've finally gotten over my fear of typing! Yay for me.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own any Underworld characters, I, however am the not-so-proud owner of TWO alter egos and about a gazillion other personalities! So, call 555-555-5…what was the las number? Oh yeah, 55. OR 1800-I-WANT-AN-ALTEREGO!

(There is also the opportunity to buy your own clan! Complete with TWO brothers and a blood oath ceremony! This IS a one time offer… available for unlimited time, or until supplies last…) Oh, and I DO NOT own any of Mel Brook's stuff either.

On with the story then pygmy! (The Pygmy king walks out of his trailer taking out the curlers from his head)

Pygmy king: Is my hair all right?

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HISTORY OF THE WORLD part II!! Like Mel Brooks never dreamt it could be!

SEE Hitler on Ice! SEE a Viking Funeral! SEE Jews in spaaaceeee! SEE the vampires visiting Pygmey island!

Yes, Ladies and Gents, Sonja, Lucian, Selene, Kraven, Michael, Marcus, and Erika are now in Pygmy island, land of a thousand wonders… and even more volcanoes to throw Kraven in!

But this looks like an unlikely possibility because the pygmies are carrying Kraven in a red velvet chair and feeding him mangos with a stick, while Sonja, Selene, and Erika are carried around in a cage and Lucian and Michael are tied to bamboo sticks each hanging upside down. And where is Marcus? Walking free right besides the pygmy king because he managed to convince the pygmies that if they let him go in the nearest gas station he would give them a seat in the British council… And bribed the Pygmy king with hair curlers and chocolate covered marshmallows, and, lets face it, who can say no to chocolate covered marshmallows, right?

Selene: Me.

Michael: What?

Selene: I can say no to chocolate covered marshmallows…

Sonja: Your kidding?!

Selene: No, really! I don't even like marshmallows.  
Lucian: No! It can't be! That's blasphemy Selene! Not even I can say no to chocolate covered marshmallows!

Erika: Yeah Selene, It's like a genetic abnormality or, or a collapse in the tissue of the known universe!

Michael: …Yeah! What she said!

Pygmy king: Halt pygmies! What is that I hear? The one in the incredibly tight suit can say no to chocolate covered MARSHMALLOWS?!

Selene: Um.. Yes, and the suit isn't so tight!… is it?

Everybody: well…

Michael: I'm sorry, we all thought so, we just… well…

Sonja: We never found the words to tell you is all…

Selene: Oh, it's Ok.. or it will be… in time.

Lucian: Really Selene? I'm so glad your not mad!

Selene: I'm not finished.

Lucian: Oh! I _am_ sorry, do carry on.

Selene: In the time when I KILL ALL OF YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS!…And GUNS!

Erika: See! I told you she would do this when she found out! But _nooo_ nobody listens to poor old Erika! Why should they!

Pygmy king: SILENCE! Sheesh, how can anybody take all that yammering and shouting!

Marcus: See! Look at what I have to endure day after day after day, its nerve wreking! I just-

Markus' voice started breaking as he fell on his butt sobbing.

Erika: There, there ickle wickle Mawkus! Everything is going to be all right. Now, what's our mantra to chant in moments like this?

Markus: Du-du-du-duckfra (sniff) Duckfraba…

Erika: That's right, let's say it together now. Duuuuckfraabaaaaa, come on ickle Mawkus!

Markus: Duuuuckfraabaaaaa…

Erika: Feeling better now, are we?

Markus: Yes.. thank you…

Markus now got back on his feet and the company reassumed its wanderings through the dense forests of pygmy island.

Markus: Yo, pygmy king! Where's the next gas station at?

Pygmy king: Not for another… Ten trillion miles.

Markus: Jolly goo – WHAT?!

Erika: Now, now! Temper, temper!

Markus: Duuuuckfraabaaaaa…

Erika: Yes… Duuuuckfraabaaaaa

Markus: Duuuuckfra-

Pygmy king: ENOUGH WITH THE DUCKALICIUOS OR WHATEVER!

Erika: Its Duck_fraba_!

Pygmy: I said ENOUGH! Now who is the one that can say no to chocolate covered marshmelloooooowsss?!

Selene shyly raised her hand and the pygmies let her cage down and kneeled before Selene.

Pygmies: All hail Lady-that-can-say-no-to-chocolate-covered-marshmelloooooowsss!

Pygmy guard: What shall we do to Mountain king?

Pygmy king: Um… Mountain king!

Kraven: Yes loyal subject?

Pygmy king: Do you wish to, during the rest of your mortal life… Carry out marital intercourse with the all powerful Lady-that-can-say-no-to-chocolate-covered-marshmelloooooowsss?

Kraven: YES! Oh lord YES!!

Pygmy king: Very well, you may start right now!

Selene: Oh bother…

Pygmy king: I have not finished.

Selene: Oh! I _am _sorry! Do continue.

Pygmy king: Thank you. IF you can refuse one chocolate covered marshmallow!

Pygmy sound effects crew: Dum dum duuuuuuum!

Will Kraven be able to refuse the chocolate covered marshmallow? Will Selene have to carry out marital intercourse with Kraven? Will Michael permit this? Will Markus find a gas station? Will Kraven be unceremoniously chucked into a volcano? Will Lucian Erika and Sonja get manicures at the mall? WILL PENGUINS DEVELOP A HIGH INTELIGENCE AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD? And, most importantly, does Marcus feel pretty? God, so many questions! Fin out the answeres in our next chapter!

R&R

[Sorry for the impromptu finish, but I´ve got to go and take a long bubble bath in the tub!

Kraven: Can I come?

Let me think about it… NO!


	7. Chapter the Seventh

So, here I am because I can't sleep and I feel like writing silliness!

Last chapter ended in an incredibly stupid cliffhanger involving Kraven, chocolate marshmallows, and penguins, so I have decided to answer the questions in a game I like to call Q&A! Just to be clear, q stands for "questions" and a stands for "answers". Disclaimer:

I do NOT own anything in this story, except for the wrongly spelled name, the insipid plot line, and the song that I WILL make someone sing at the end of this chappie! The things that I DO NOT own include some Dr. House references that I might and might not use in the course of this chapter and Resident Evil references too.

Let us begin!

The Talking Muppet Lettuce: Begin what?

Me: Oy vey!

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Q Did Kraven be able to refuse the chocolate covered marshmallow?

A No, Kraven did not have the gnats to refuse the succulent treat and was forever banned from having marital rights with Selene.

Q Did Markus find a gas station?

A Markus did find a gas station, but when he was inside he discovered that a horrible disease had infected the people in there and had made them hungry for blood! Turning them into zombies…

Q Did Kraven get unceremoniously chucked into the volcano?

A The plan was to have the Pygmies chuck him in there after being unable to refuse the marshmallow, but since the Pygmy king demanded a salary raise and I had already blown off all of my money on tickets to My Chemical Romance and Avril Lavinge concerts, I decided to blow off the scene and fire the little guy who later went on to working at the "Chelsea Lately" show as "Chuy", Chelsea's midget assistant.

Q Did Lucian, Sonja, and Erika get manicures at the mall?

ANo,, yes and yes. Lucian got a mani-pedi.

Q DID PENGUINS DEVELOP A HIGH INTELLIGENCE AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD?

A Eventually, after the disease that Markus had discovered in the gas station spread around the World , everyone and everything became infected, even penguins ! But when the reaction happened in their little bodies, the anti-freezing liquid ion their blood combined with the outrage they felt for the scandalous images in « March of the Penguins » and the plain ugliness of grown up « Mumble » in the movie « Happy Feet » made their brains super-charged and capable of forming coherent thoughts! So they took over the world and then just totally started eating each other.

Q And finally… Does Marcus feel pretty?

A Let's ask him, shall we? Markus, do you feel pretty?

Markus: No! I do not feel pretty… I Am pretty… In fact I am not just pretty but beautiful.

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AN2: Oh my... sorry for the short chapter, but smething horrible has come up!

Explain on the next chappie!!!

See ya


	8. Chapter the I've lost count

I have completely forgotten what horrible situation CAME up in the middle of the las chapter, so I now procede to totally and shamelessly invent an excuse for the short chapter:

My dog has a weak bladder, Kraven was trying to eat my shoe, and my lipgloss fell on the computer and I had to make Lucian lick it off, which took months and months, even though lycans have incredibly sticky tongues.

Oh, and didn't you hear? We were on strike!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own underworld, any character, House M,D, or any Victoria's Secretes pajamas. I do own, however a pack of homeopathic sleeping pills which do not help me sleep but do, however, help me write incredible randomness…

And ON WE GOOOOOO!!!

The year, 2009.

The place, somewhere in the middle of the Sahara dessert.

The time, 4:44 pm.

The plotline, the penguins have inherited the earth and only those who have the intelligence to outsmart them have survived, and that means that all of our favourite vamps are dead….Muajaja!!! Nah, just kidding, they're only hiding from the penguins in the dessert, under a dune somewhere.

Everyone was quiet, listening for penguin steps or breathing on the outside of their safety-house, which, oddly enough, was under a dune. The were warming their hands on a fire lit with Kraven's and Lucians hair which was oily enough to be lit easily and a bit of coal that Selene always ket with her since she started watching "Survivorman".

Viktor: See! I told you a safe house in the Sahara would come in handy some day!

Markus: Oh, shut up, you senile old bat, it's the eight time you've said that tonight, and it's only 8!

Erika: Now, now, Mawkus, weave wittle Vicky alone!

Markus: Okay Ewika… I'll try.

Silence…

Kraven: _WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT AN OXFORD COMMA!!_

_I'VE SEEN THOSE ENGLISH DRAMAS TOO-OOOOOOO_

_THEY'RE CRUEL!!!_

Selene: Oh shut the fuck up Kraven!! I'ts the third time today you've spountaneously broken out into song!

Kraven: (Twitching) I can't stand the QUIET!! They are coming, I know…

Michael: Hey! I like that song!  
_So if there's any other way  
To spell the word  
It's fine with me, with me_

Kraven: Finally someone understand my musical tastes!

Kraven & Michael: _Why would you speak to me that way  
Especially when I always said that I  
Haven't got the words for you  
All your diction dripping with disdain  
Through the pain  
I always tell the truth_

_Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?  
I climbed to Dharamsala too  
I did  
I met the highest lama  
His accent sounded fine  
To me, to me_

Sonja: No, no, no, stop right there, you must be inventing that last part! What's a lama have do with it all, it's just silliness, really.

Lucian: Yeah, and what the hay is an Oxford comma anyway?

Michael: And wait till you hear the next part, it's a doozy, you sing it Kraven, my voice could never be compared to yours!

Kraven: Aw sucks, Mike! You'r making me blush!

Selene: well why don't you make out with HIM if his voice is so damn pretty… (angry groumbling)

Kraven: EHE-HEM! Mi mi mi mi miiiiii.

_Check your handbook,_

_it's no trick  
Take the chapstick, _

_put it on your lips  
Crack a smile, _

_adjust my tie  
Know your boyfriend, _

_unlike other guys _

Sonja: You're right! Its just plain silly…

Lucian: Wait shush! I think I hear something…

Kraven: Oh no! Oh shit, it's them isn't it? It's the killer penguins, aren't they? they're here for me, I know it!!

Lucian: Wait, no it doesn't sound like penguins… it sounds more like a cane, yes! And a limp too, on the right leg, most probably caused by loss of leg muscle due to a mal-diagnosed infarction. It sounds like the leg's wearing tennis shoes, yes, Nicke Shoxs most probably, and, if I am not mistaken, I also smell a huge ego, a maniacal sense of self-destruction, and (sniffing the air) unbelievable hotness.

Michael: Wow, you got all that from the sound of footsteps and smell? You are so cool.

Lucian: That and I the theme from "House, M.D." is playing, so it really can't be anyother guy.

Kraven: _LOVE LOVE IS A VERB_

_LOVE IS A DOING WORD_

_FEATHERS ON MY BREATH_

_GENTLE IMPULSION_

_SHAKES AND MAKES ME LIGHTER_

Selene: Oh shit, don't make him sing!

Sonja: Now, see he has to be making that one up.

Michael: No, he isn't really…

Michael & Kraven: WATER IS MY EYE

MOST FAITHFUL MY LOVE

FEATHERS ON MY Brea-…

A loud thump is heard on the door.

House: Would you stop that infernal racket, cuz if you don't I swear I'll hit your vampire-accepted-euphemism-for-testicles with my cane in order to keep you from procreating equally infernal voiced kiddie-vampires.

Kraven: I happen to have a very pretty voice, thank you.

House: yeah, and I'm sure your mum told you you were special too, didn't she? Open this goddamned door, for God's sakes, or whatever you guys belive in, I don't judge.

What will happen next??!!

… I really do not know.


End file.
